Sunday, January 4, 2009

is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

[taken this past week.]

january 4, 2009
7:37 pm

dear diary,

today it hit me like a ton of bricks.


all my life i have been fat. i look in the mirror and see a person i dont even know anymore. i used to be in denial about my weight saying

"inner beauty is what counts the most!"

then comparing myself to other around me saying

"at least i am not as fat as that person."

i have been teased by other about my weight all my life. but this time the tormenting is not from others...its from myself. i am tired of who i have become on the outside. so i do other things to cover it up like coloring and cutting my hair in a cool way, getting my nose pierced, ect...i use my voice to cover up how i feel on the inside. i get so busy that i dont notice how hideous i look on the outside. i use my kindness to kill any false first impressions that one may have of me just by my looks. i hide away when i know that reality is breaking through my false mirror i put up. i keep drowning out reality with art, music, just anything other than the truth. motivation is what i lack. i have never really exercised. my fear of what people think of me is too overwhelming that i become someone that i am not. just to ignore the pain i face everyday by looking in the mirror. i put tons of makeup on to distract from my body. i am so uncomfortable in my skin that as a child i would pray at the alter for God to make me skinny. i have not yet been skinny. i just keep getting bigger and bigger. i want to change. 20 years of this body. i want to change it. the media is not helping either. all i see on tv are skinny girls who get all the guys. i see guys all around me go for the girls who can fit in a size 3. i am tired of being that girl who guys just walk past...or just have a nice conversation with. i am tired of going to stores and finding cute clothes that i like and not having them in my size. i see size 0-5 much more damage can people who design clothes and those on tv do to me...a lot...

i am sick of being fat.

i want to be skinny.

i want to be healthy.

i want to be normal.

i want to change this year.

i want to change NOW!

all i ask is for help.

please send me some encouragement or maybe just pray for me to keep a good attitude and some motivation to lose weight.

i want to change.

i need to change.

will you help me?

please send e-mails to


Elizabeth Seay said...

first of all, you ARE beautiful:)
hear me when i say that to you.

secondly, you are not alone.
there are so many people (women) who feel this same way sometimes or ALL the time, for that matter.
i feel down on myself a lot.
I don't weigh what I want to, my face breaks out and i have naturally frizzy hair.

i am praying for you to give yourself the same grace that God gives us. Don't be so hard on yourself.

What you can do, and what I am trying to do, is "live well."
eat healthy foods, something fun that is active, keep loving and serving people the way you do...
look at the whole picture of who you are.

you are a talented photographer.
you are an honest and transparent writer.
you are a great friend.
you genuinely care about people.
you do have cool hair (don't downplay that!)
you have good taste and style.
you are funny!
you are pretty!

so, try not to get consumed with thoughts that are from the enemy...don't let him tell you lies that drag you down and discourage you.

i battle with this.
i get in a funk sometimes and its so hard to get out of that mentality.

i think you will start feeling better about yourself as a whole person, if you are taking care of yourself as a "whole."
body, mind and spirit.

eat lots of veggies, fruit, whole grains, lean meats.
drink lots of water.
get good sleep every night.
walk, jog or ride a bike every day if you can.
get your hair done every once in a while if it makes you feel good!
play with your make-up! its fun!

Keep reading God's word.
Find scriptures that encourage you and memorize them (hide them in your heart.)
Read about ways to take care of yourself.
There are plenty of books and magazines that give you fresh tips on how to exercise or yummy, healthy snack ideas.
think about taking a cooking class to learn how to cook healthy, quick foods (i'll take it with you!!)

Pray for strength, discipline and guidance every day.
Thank God for your blessings.
Ask Him for help when you need it.
Find other women with the similar struggles and open up to them...they will be an encouragement to your soul.

you are a lovely woman...
i am praying for you!
i am here for you!
you are not alone in this journey.

Jamie Sizemore said...

Jessica, I will committ to pray for you everyday, and I know you know but who you are in Christ is more important. And I was actually looking at your pics thinking how pretty you were. I don't know you that well, but I will promise you to keep up with your blog and pray if you promise to pray and keep motivated to do whatever you think you need to do for you. But you are beautiful!

Jennifer Bacak said...

I'm so glad Liz gave such wise advice! Jess, I do pray for you. I will do whatever you need me to do to help you. I've always wanted to do that. Re-read what Liz wrote- it's good!
I love you and would do anything for you!!!

Anonymous said...

jess, i love you! and I totally understand, we're going to do this thing together! and i'll be praying for you all the way!