Sunday, January 4, 2009

is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

[taken this past week.]

january 4, 2009
7:37 pm

dear diary,

today it hit me like a ton of bricks.


all my life i have been fat. i look in the mirror and see a person i dont even know anymore. i used to be in denial about my weight saying

"inner beauty is what counts the most!"

then comparing myself to other around me saying

"at least i am not as fat as that person."

i have been teased by other about my weight all my life. but this time the tormenting is not from others...its from myself. i am tired of who i have become on the outside. so i do other things to cover it up like coloring and cutting my hair in a cool way, getting my nose pierced, ect...i use my voice to cover up how i feel on the inside. i get so busy that i dont notice how hideous i look on the outside. i use my kindness to kill any false first impressions that one may have of me just by my looks. i hide away when i know that reality is breaking through my false mirror i put up. i keep drowning out reality with art, music, just anything other than the truth. motivation is what i lack. i have never really exercised. my fear of what people think of me is too overwhelming that i become someone that i am not. just to ignore the pain i face everyday by looking in the mirror. i put tons of makeup on to distract from my body. i am so uncomfortable in my skin that as a child i would pray at the alter for God to make me skinny. i have not yet been skinny. i just keep getting bigger and bigger. i want to change. 20 years of this body. i want to change it. the media is not helping either. all i see on tv are skinny girls who get all the guys. i see guys all around me go for the girls who can fit in a size 3. i am tired of being that girl who guys just walk past...or just have a nice conversation with. i am tired of going to stores and finding cute clothes that i like and not having them in my size. i see size 0-5 much more damage can people who design clothes and those on tv do to me...a lot...

i am sick of being fat.

i want to be skinny.

i want to be healthy.

i want to be normal.

i want to change this year.

i want to change NOW!

all i ask is for help.

please send me some encouragement or maybe just pray for me to keep a good attitude and some motivation to lose weight.

i want to change.

i need to change.

will you help me?

please send e-mails to