in need of prayer.

this photo was taken over a year ago when i first met my little siblings...(this is of me and my two little brothers from my birth parents.)


nick (the one on the left) was 11 and josh (one on the right) was 12.

my two little brothers and their step dad were killed in a car wreck this past saturday.

my birth family and i are hurt and in pain from this loss.

all i ask of you is to pray.

please please pray.

if you wanna know more of the details feel free to shoot me an e-mail at seay_pictureperfect@yahoo.com

thank you...

jessica

is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

[taken this past week.]

january 4, 2009
7:37 pm

dear diary,

today it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I AM FAT.

all my life i have been fat. i look in the mirror and see a person i dont even know anymore. i used to be in denial about my weight saying

"inner beauty is what counts the most!"

then comparing myself to other around me saying

"at least i am not as fat as that person."

i have been teased by other about my weight all my life. but this time the tormenting is not from others...its from myself. i am tired of who i have become on the outside. so i do other things to cover it up like coloring and cutting my hair in a cool way, getting my nose pierced, ect...i use my voice to cover up how i feel on the inside. i get so busy that i dont notice how hideous i look on the outside. i use my kindness to kill any false first impressions that one may have of me just by my looks. i hide away when i know that reality is breaking through my false mirror i put up. i keep drowning out reality with art, music, just anything other than the truth. motivation is what i lack. i have never really exercised. my fear of what people think of me is too overwhelming that i become someone that i am not. just to ignore the pain i face everyday by looking in the mirror. i put tons of makeup on to distract from my body. i am so uncomfortable in my skin that as a child i would pray at the alter for God to make me skinny. i have not yet been skinny. i just keep getting bigger and bigger. i want to change. 20 years of this body. i want to change it. the media is not helping either. all i see on tv are skinny girls who get all the guys. i see guys all around me go for the girls who can fit in a size 3. i am tired of being that girl who guys just walk past...or just have a nice conversation with. i am tired of going to stores and finding cute clothes that i like and not having them in my size. i see size 0-5 everywhere...how much more damage can people who design clothes and those on tv do to me...a lot...

i am sick of being fat.

i want to be skinny.

i want to be healthy.

i want to be normal.

i want to change this year.

i want to change NOW!

all i ask is for help.

please send me some encouragement or maybe just pray for me to keep a good attitude and some motivation to lose weight.

i want to change.

i need to change.

will you help me?

please send e-mails to seay_pictureperfect@yahoo.com

untitled.

[taken december 26 2007 at lupe tortilla of my niece.]

have you ever felt like you cant see whats going on around you and you feel like everything is backwards?

(if you say no, then something is wrong with you.) =]

as i was standing there with my camera i see my niece sitting backwards on that cow. so i walked up to her and she asked me if i could help her down and so i did. then the question came to mind "who put her on there backwards?"

the point i am trying to make is life can get too hectic to realize where you are and how you got there.

it even happens to me too, like i will get caught up in the world and ending up having a moment where reality will sink in and i would be left with the question "how did i get here?"

i found that when i spend time with God and focus on him and let him guide me where i should go, then i know how i got to where i would be.

so if i am not focusing on God everything goes wrong and everything is backwards and confusing.

so what is it like for you?

if you are confused and lost, try going to God and focusing on him.

he will pick you up and help you if you ask him to.

everything is so much clearer when i let God be God and guide me where i should go.

i just pray that you would do the same thing.

getting caught up in the world is a dangerous thing.

i dont want you to lose your way in the world.

just think about it.

i will pray about it.

storms of life.

[taken like a month ago]

have you ever witnessed a huge storm ahead of you when you are driving and you can see the pouring down of the rain?

it kind of scares me to know that in less than 5 minutes i would be driving through the storm. so i start planning precautions and i know exactly what to do when something like that happens. but what happens when a spiritual storm hits? what do i do? do i know exactly what to do as if i were driving in the rain? the answers are i have no clue and i dont know what to do.

although spiritual storms are not physically seen but is emotionally damaging. this is the time when you wrestle with God and end up in a valley of desperation.

i have heard ways to get through the storm over and over again i hear what they say but i dont act upon it.

here are some of the things that i have been told to do:

1. pray.
-excuse: "sometimes i just dont feel like praying because it takes to long and i just dont want to wait."
-the truth: prayer works even though it may take a while. and patience is a virtue.

2. get in the word of God.
-excuse: "im to lazy and just dont want to because i happen to find something better to do."
-the truth: God can reveal himself by digging in to the word of God. it may not be the first thing on your mind to do but He will show the way to living a pure life.

if we get into a habit of doing this it should be easier to get through the storm. it will become a routine when we see that a storm is approaching we can automatically switch into the gear of prayer and quiet time.

i am learning this as well.

so what will you do when a storm comes your way? will you take this advice and run with it or just be stuck in a rut till the storm passes?